Sordid looking pagan exploits, Terry Gilliam, and a diva who barged her way out of the hall after being snubbed by sensible semi-final voters. A solid Eurovision start from one of the true last bastions of Communist rule. I can forsee Belarus becoming one of the more interesting of Eurosong nations. Just pray they don't win the thing...we'll never get in, and if we do, we wouldn't want to wait to get out.


She wasn't only a short woman with a short name, but also a short woman with a short song. Even a fine washboard stomach couldn't disguise the typically misplaced Spanish optimism in her effort of 2003. It was the favourite, but by following the oyster swallowers of tATu, it's chances were immediately scuppered. Apparently it's still possible to dance all night to this in The Rum and Shag (Bar and Discotheque), Fuertaventura. But it just didn't have the necessary scorchio factor to pull a win off.



Fud and Bob took turns early on to fail miserably, and it took foetus Sandra Kim to finally put Belgium on the map in 1985. Before 1985, Belgium had been a tiny principality whose main export was cartoon stills, monk beer, and tortoiseshell rimmed eyeglasses. Since then they got their teeth into chocolate too. More appropriate mid-table obscurity followed though, until last year's surprising 2nd place for Urban Trad, again going to show that it only takes a peculiar dance routine to get close to winning Eurovision.

Birgitta Haukdal

Birgitta is Husavik's finest. And that's a fact. She opened up the 2003 contest in a pair of pants so tight you could read the washing instructions. My comments at the time were; Have you got a geyser, Birgitta? Do you want a quick hot spring? Let old faithful do its job, Popthekettleonpetal etc. And I hold by those comments. Lead singer in one of the biggest bands in Iceland, Irafar, her future seems locally assured. And she's always got a place to stay if she's passing through here too.

Black Lace


The only proper episodes of 3-2-1 were the ones when this sublime talent were involved.
"The Lace" as they no doubt will come to be known in years to come, have been forgotten about. I am without reproach though when I say that generations to come will re-visit "Agadoo", "Superman (Gioca Jouer)", "Do the Conga", "I Speaka de Lingo", and the immortal "Hokey Cokey". Inevitably becoming a religion (especially in Japan), Alan Barton (now sadly passed away) and Colin Routh will be worshipped as gods come the 23rd century. Unfortunately their 1979 Eurovision entry stank like a pile of camel shite in the Sahara.


"La Det Swinge to the Rock'n'Roll, La Det Swinge to the Rocker Ho Ho Ho, Ho Hi-de-Ho, La Det Swinge to the Rock'n'Roll".

...or something like that. One of the great choruses, and a deserving champion in 1986. It shall always be a monument to musical drivel.

Bosnia & Herzegovina


A popular nation of the hardcore ESC fans, although I'm slightly confused as to why, since it's all well and good churning out weak ethno-fuelled pap rock every year, but just because it's not sung in English, does not mean that the songs are any good. To my mind 2003 was the best year for Bosnia, and yet my UK thought it was the worst song of the contest that year. Unfortunately at least to popular UK tastes, Balkan musical ethnicity equals excrement. Also spare a special thought for the campest performer for many a year in 2004.

Blue Cafe

Much like her likeness, the equally talent-deprived singing/songwriting Sharleen Spitieri, Blue Cafe churned out a repetitive sack of shite in 2004 and were relegated. How they got 27 points I'll never understand. I've read that this bunch of misfits do have "a strong market". I presume that after her failure, this now means selling fruit & veg out of a stall in Krakow as a means to boost their income. Sweet song, my arse. They badly dressed their song with a selection of brass instruments, instruments that weren't heard once throughout the song. Bizarre. They should have been be done under the Trade Descriptions Act, the rank-standing impertinence of them.

Brotherhood of Man


"They are proud to boast today the exact same line-up of four faces known to millions of TV viewers and pop fans all over the world"
The beginning of the Golden Age of UK Eurovision, when for a good 15 years, the island could proudly stand proudly side by side with the Norwegians and the Germans in terms of trash European pop. This group (and latterly Bucks Fizz) introduced a crap dance novelty that just about won the contest on its own.
And is if this wasn’t enough, the 1977 winners even attempted to become a Swedish Eurovision act. For “Angelo” see “Waterloo”I’m sad to say that the success didn’t last, when a long standing equal opportunity grievance split the group resulting in a “Sisterhood of Woman” being formed, who then proceeded to do it for themselves.

Boris Novkovic

Badly shaven Boris was thankfully been joined by three women who looked like those machines you get at the seaside that you drop coins down to try and dislodge more coins, as well as a bloke who likes to paint red lines on his body & drums. And whilst this does add something to the act, I'm not quite sure what it actually is. It was dull, it was wholly inconsequential, and so guess what, it flew into the final in 4th place. Proof if proof is needed that mediocrity really is the way forward for Europe.



Renars Kaupers co-presented the ESC in 2003. He also performed "My Star" in 2000 with Brainstorm and came third..."it's troo". And Brainstorm appeared on a roof-top during the half-time interval in 2003. So all in all, he's a bit of a Eurovision old-timer.
Big in Latvia, and a superb example of a solid Eurovision experience.

Bucks Fizz

As progenitors of the on-stage strip show, they have much to answer for. Named over-optimistically after a fruity champagne drink, Bucks Fizz went onto to surprising UK success during the culturally bereft early 80's. They split up after ten years without a top 80 hit, and Cheryl Baker was last seen breaking her legs after jumping out of an aeroplane. How the mighty fall.