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ABBA Super Troupers. The most successful of all Eurovision Exports. In Brighton 1974, the Swedish quartet were virtual unknowns. But it only takes a historically incisive critique with a catchy refrain to propel a group to stardom. It won, they then made a fortune, ate loads of foil-wrapped turkey dinners, then split up. Sweden have been stubbornly trying to emulate them at the contest ever since. |
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Afro Dite For a while there it looked exciting...in 2002, Sweden might have done something novel. But then "Never Let it Go" kicked in. Disco Beat, Disco Fever, Disco Crazy. Not since Martin Dahlin had the Swedes embraced black culture with such abandon. A Tina Turner type voice at the front (Blossom was her name), accompanied by two other ladies (Gladys & Kayo) who sounded more like Ike. Oh, and more Swedish turkey foil-wrapped dinners. |
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Aivaras
It all looked so good for him. A lucky last minute replacement for Lithuania, singing in the last spot of the evening , he got his CV on the official website, life was great. Unfortunately it was the type of song we could have created in the 80’s with a half-decent Moog and a bit of interest. It was so amateurish it became quite loveable. Not though when sung by a hybrid of Matthew McConnaughey, Kenny G, and Claudio Caniggia. |
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Alf Poier "Individualism instead of collectivism - fight the formatted walls
of European slickness!". Thanks for that Alf. |
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Albania
Well, they didn't have a history in the contest before last year, but my lord didn't they come out from under the cloud of Norman Wisdom. It almost started to look like an incredible turn of events would occur and they would win, but it was better that they didn't since I don't think even a particularly sizeable bunker will be suitable to host the event. |
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Alsou "One of the stars in Crab constellation is called "Alsou".tATu, smartu. The first manipulated Russian under-age songstress at the Eurovision was that slip of a girl Alsou (17) in 2000. She had a dull song, a small voice, wore little, and still almost won. It remains Russian best go so far, even though she had a hissy fit in the Green Room during the voting. It only came second, but since then, much like her faux-Sapphic competition, she's achieved to be somewhat of a Euro-publicity phenomenon. But she lives in England and funnily enough is about as popular as Keith Harris over there. |
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Andorra
2004 saw an Andorran singing in craazey Andorran, and I was disappointed in the lack of votes the song got, shocking voice withstanding. Woe betide if they ever win, because I don't think even a particularly sizeable ski chalet will be suitable to host the event. |
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Anjeza Shaini One of four Eurovision virgins, out of her depth, and over here (well over in Turkey anyway). Bless perky Anjeza. For a God awful moment I thought another Dana was on its way. Ironically she was probably the most assured performer on the night, with an over-active left arm, clothing from Matalan, and backing vocals from a karaoke machine. Good stuff, and fully deserving of a top 10 final finish. |
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Angelika Agurbash
Worzel Gummidge crossed with Aunt Sally...add in an aggressive temperament, the stroppy diva factor, and a love of bling, and you have a truly wacko Eurosong experience. The song started off with a 80's power ballad, then leapt without any thought for the listener into Euro dance fodder, topped off with her voice. Unfortunately her voice is Worzel Gummidge crossed with Aunt Sally, and it ultimately let her down. |
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Anne Marie David Whilst Cliff was hiding in the toilets in 1973 (not for once, because he was being stalked by Sue Barker), plucky Luxembourgian Anne Marie dashed the nervous hopes of Mr Richard for the second time by retaining the crown for the principality. She was a perky young central European, only just getting used to the social norm of hairy underarms. She landed a 13th in the UK charts too with "You will recognise yourself", and was watched by 24 million Brits. Although in these modern times of face transplants, maybe the title of the song isn't such a factual shoo-in. |
Anna Vissi
After three times at Eurosong, 2006 will probably see the end of the Cypriot pop goddess at the contest.. She came back after a 24 year absence, and was a big favourite as the Greek home representative. She had a frock specially made from that French queen who did the "The Fifth Element", which got deluded Eurofans damp. And although age forced her to wear more make-up than Darth Maul and she sucked in air as if it was her last breath, many still thought this was a shoo-in. I never rated the song, and as the weeks passed the orcs pummeled her chances into submission. She stumbled in 9th. Not a superstar result. |
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Alexandra & Konstantin For literally days to come, at least a handful of people will be saying "where did you come from, where did you go" about Alexandra & Konstantin. Belarus started off with this warlock & witch, farting around on a farm. Belarus are already a bit like poor little Billy Elliott when he's surrounded by the posh kids at the daaance school. The hippy lass Alexandra failed to pull off her yodelling technique so ably employed by the re-mixing team in the studio version of the song. It failed. It was pagan poo. |
| Austria
The real miracle really is that Austria have actually won the ESC. We all took pity on third timer Udo in 1966, thus giving Teutons something to shout about that year. Since then they've been either mid-table or shite, and often both at the same time. Thomas Forstner merits particular attention, doing it twice and coming 5th and then last. Both songs were absolute shockers. There's no Eurosong pedigree in Austria....their history is more like Aldi own-brand dog food. But remember, dogs like it.. They're back in 2007, after a year's sabbatical, an absence which was a shame really as Eurosong needs the western europeans to band together as one in this day and age. |
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Antique If the Eurovision-spotters guild were to give a prize for the finest Eurovision song ever, they may well award the Golden Anorak to Greece's effort in 2001. "Die for You" came in a poor 3rd, and there were enough tears to refill the River Penaeus. Add to this the fact that Estonia won it with the biggest sack of crud ever to walk away with the prize, and the weeping carried on into the compilation CD's all over Europe. Antique split up in 2003. More tears. Desperate. |
| Alla Pugacheva
Ms Pugacheva finally came West in 1997, although she had done well enough in the East for the preceding 20 odd years to make any real success a mild distraction. The flame-haired primadonna who had seen many better days, tottered onto stage in her comfy gear, and belted out "primadonna" a dog of a track from a Soviet...tigress. Meant a lot to many, was dross to those like me. |
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Anonymous The lyrics to "Save the World" are a call to the young of their own generation to take an active role in protecting the planet. Anonymous performed this in Helsinki after the band and their entourage flew over to Finland, in the process leaving a carbon footprint the size of an sick Indian elephant. Young amateur hour frat rock was looked upon kindly by the Europhiles, and so it came as a surprise to many when it failed to qualify for the final in the face of the Eastern invasion. It finished twelve, and would've qualified, were it not for the indecently crap pink mohican attempt atop the acne-ridden drummer. And they chose their starting position, so there was no excuse. |
| Alenka Gotar
In the end the Slovenian sauce-pot
Alenka came in a creditable 15th in the final, although for a moment I
felt something more substantial down below in my loins. Wannabe-opera
failed to engender any sort of meaningful support in 2007, even with the
additional hall-chilling voice and glutinous hand deposit. The best vocals
of the night by a mile didn’t get her a 12 or a 10, just small points
across the board. Ooh matron. |
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The Ark It was Ola’s annoying step dance that killed Sweden's chances in 2007…mind you, you don’t see the Bay City Rollers in the charts very often these days either do you? 12 points from Denmark & Norway, but the pre-carrot wedding bouquet postcard may have helped "The Worrying Kind" to save face. With 51 points and 18th place, the nation wept, and are left with much soul searching as their most crazeey act was...well... just too dull for modern Eurosong. |
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