Celine Dion

Damn close to the devil incarnate in my book, and it was my favourite pan-continental music show that started her out on the road to Nevada domination. Imagine my problem.
Since the poodle hair, shoulder pads, and spangly dress horrified us back in 1988, the Gallic nations haven’t been afraid to stun us repeatedly with similar efforts. Seigfried & Roy need to get their tiger onto her, that would make my decade, that would (stoppress...tiger fed on Siegfried...shame)

Charlotte Nillsson

Having plastered on so much make-up around the eyes during her formative years, poor Charlotte was extremely distressed to discover her Swedish compatriots thought she was of Asian origin when she brought the Eurovision crown back home with her in 1999. Somehow she managed to con the peoples into thinking her "Take me to your Heaven" was a better effort than Selma's "All out of Luck". Indeed you were, Selma. 



On average, Croatia are distinctly average. They've never been in the top three, and indeed never been relegated. Ivan and (Goran & Toni) are the only blokes ever to represent Croatia, and indeed red blooded heterosexual male fans of the contest (who are extremely few and far between) can normally expect a good show from Croatia. The continuous display of loverley ladiesss at the Eurovision has, I reckon, gone a long way to developing their tourist industry in recent years. Although I have no scientific proof to back that assertion up.

Ciff Richard

The UK got itself a drainpipe wearing, Botox sharing, freaky troll in 1968 and 1973. He didn't win on either occasion, which was somewhat of a shock especially with the first song, which has since raised its ugly head inside "A New Arrival" and "A Promotion...Well Done" Greeting Cards up and down the UK. Oh and he's the biggest selling pop artist in the UK ever!!! Think about that.

Corinna May


As the pre-contest favourite in 2002, "I can't live without music" was said in her German homeland to be able to "catch you, let you rest, and then pick you up again." Bollocks. Corinna was and is, blind, and she got absolutely no sympathy from Europe at all, a performance described by the Germans at the time as "fever trance". Delusion.
Corinna wasn't the first blind person at the contest, and I'm sure won't be the last (going for the Forrest Gump at the Oscars factor). But just how many deaf singers have there been? We may never know.
“I can’t live without guide dogs”, "She didn't see nul points coming", etc etc

Claudia Beni

Claudia and her backing dancers had obviously worked for months on their "heel-shaking" dance routine that so captivated the Skonto Hall in 2003. Croatia had yet again sent a young maiden whose circulation to the legs had been devastated by the excuse-for-a-skirt she wore around her navel. More mid-table obscurity (see below).



12 points guaranteed from Greece, and apart from that have largely been a mid-table embarrassment. Invariably the island is represented by blokes in unbuttoned white shirts, gold pendants, and a gorilla on their chest. Nuff said.


With what can only be described as a penis on his head, Sven topped the lot. Sadly no more a part of the contest, for over a decade the evening was enlivened by the stick-twiddlers attempting to outdress each other with more and more outrageous costumes. But nobody could touch Sven (and didn't want to either).

Chris Doran


Chris looked uncomfortable. Like most Irish performers, he looked as though he would be more comfortable plucking at a fiddle down his local, than sing a sycophantic sack of shite in front of a crowd of Turks. The song was Christian rock - one of the greatest errors of Western civilisation. And the song was one of those typical Irish errors in Eurovision. It didn't even get that many points from the UK (well it didn't get twelve), and no others countries rated it at all. The lowest ever position for Ireland and another relegation. B'jesus.


Picture the scene...Birmingham 1998, presenter Ulrika Jonsson has just offended the Dutch presenter in front of the whole of Europe... it's down to the last country to vote, Macedonia. Israel and Malta are tied on 166 points each...you can cut the atmosphere with a large cheese knife.
The Macedonian points presenter gives 6 points to Israel putting them on 172...Malta need the final 12 points of the contest to win it...Macedonia give the 12 points to Croatia...cue transsexual Israeli celebrations...cue despair for Malta who have to settle for third. Chiara was robbed in '98 & she came back for daylight robbery in '05 when she came second. Will Malta forever have to rely on ample Chiara?