"A couple, standing a yard apart, shouting at each other".
After much talk of highly charged sexual chemistry before the contest and a promised saucy performance, Fame turned out to less "hit the sack", and more IKEA flat-pack. 
I’m not one for the easy route of stereotype for a quick laugh but with this effort of cascading piano chords and cheesy refrain was ABBA-esque.  If you are served up a smorgasbord of hot stringy arse cheese by two beautiful people in a fancy restaurant, the result is that you still eat hot stringy arse cheese. That in a nutshell was Fame.


Sexy, Baby, and Fancy make up "Femminem". I think that either something got lost in translation, or that "Fancy" got the short straw when nicknames were handed out. She sound's more like something Mr Kipling would drizzle all over with his white fondant (and maybe he has). Marshall Mathers is perhaps unsurprisingly nowhere to be seen here. In fact it's difficult to get much farther removed from Eminem's music. With a knowing wink to Eurovision, "Call Me" was a shocker of a paean to contests past. Terry's Balkan block voting fetish enabled the ladies to gain enough points to land them outside of the top ten. Phew.



In nine attempts since 1990, Finland were pants. Their highest placing during this time was 15th. The economic miracle in the country was not reflected in terms of pan-European crap-pop. And then came 2006 & Lordi. The orcs will go down in the anals of Eurosogn as a wonderful addition to performance over content, cueing incredulous scenes of celebration in Helsinki.
Their Eurovision entrants have always been (as our fellow Australian EBU-members like to say) "full-on". Typically, a Finnish singer is aggressive, belts out their tune, and distresses the viewers to such an extent that they can't bring themselves to look at them come voting time. Mind you, in 1982 no-one could bring themselves to look at Kojo, before or after the contest. So to 2007, and especially since they've dropped tax on alcohol, I'm all for the Finns.

Disturbing "Aiki"

Scary Sonja Lumme
Cat Cat
Nina Astrom

Finn Kalvik

One the finest and earliest alumni of the"nil points" school of performing arts, Norwegian Finn barely sang through what could have been a half decent song, but wasn't. In the end he was pipped at the post by Bucks Fizz...and 18 other countries. If your at a bit of a low ebb and need to depress yourself even more, then don't forget that I have the full 4 minutes and 7 seconds version of this cracker, available upon request.



Socialist France, and one of the Big Four, who more often than not go down the "chanteuse" route (and woe-betide any entrant differing from the norm). They had a lot of success in the early years when usually only 4 countries took part, and the Brits were represented by a young Paul Shane. 
They had a rough time in the late 90's however, precipitated by a bad Fanny (oh, that old story), but have chanteused it back into the limelight since then, and are unfortunately well overdue another victory.

Bad "Fanny"

Marie "a winner & a solid Eurosong name
Marie Line, not so lucky this one
Nina Morato...a fruit loop

Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia

FYROM have always been one of my favourite Eurovision nations, mostly for their knack to stubbornly march on to defeat with ethnic efforts year and year. They have never wandered into what I would call Euro-pop territory, and are the other side of the coin to Sweden and the UK in that regard.
And what with the most bizarre and sunny of all European national flags, you just must wish them well. More Karolina please.

The Adorable Karolina
Not so adorable Vlado Janevski



The first out of the pre-selection blocks back in January 2003, then with a song at just over 2 minutes long, they wanted to get the whole sorry thing over with as soon as possible. It was a typical title-holders follow up with crazy voices, a light-hearted title, but an undercurrent that the whole nation was extremely serious about winning the thing again. Re-jigged and lengthened since then, it bombed big on the night, which was probably down to the disturbing cheesy mugging from the trio.

Francine Jordi

In 2002, Switzerland fouled the footpath with 'Dans le jardin de mon âme'. Before the contest I hoped that her garden was large enough, so she would bugger off down the bottom of it, and not pollute my ears with this dross more than was absolutely necessary. But she made it to Tallinn, and finished a deserved 22nd. Another step towards true justice in Switzerland, after all that Nazi gold was handed back.



In no way a group of lazy New Yorkers who always found cash for a coffee, but instead a group of aggressive Swedish maidens in Red leather pants. I know which ones I'd prefer to watch. Oh yes.