Geir Ronning

Mr Ronning was a throaty voiced lounge singer, a bit like a cross between Zucchero and Michael Ball, hammering the crowd with his message of peace, which reveals the singer to be one of the first on the conscientious objection bus right out of the country. His website biography is the largest load of name-dropping lovvy-darling bollocks since Barbara Streisand's acceptance speech at the annual "Hollywood acceptance speech awards". He went through the Geirs, but never really got above 30mph, and failed to make it through to the final, but at least he failed with a smile on his face and a cheesy refrain for anyone unfortunate enough to listen.



The only modern-day success for Germany was "A little peace" in 1982. Let's hope they hold onto that sentiment for a little longer. Cheap shot, I know.
Another nation that hardly ever fail to entertain, the contest would not be same without the Germans. 
Rather peculiarly considering their earnest national stereotyping, the Germans are one of the more likely to send a loon to the party, the kind of joker that puts a fake severed finger in the finger food. Recently Gulido, Stefan, and Lou have all warmed the cockles of my heart, proudly grasping the true sentiment of the contest, namely unadulterated Leerdammer cheesiness. A bloke called Ralf Siegel has written most of recent German songs (or as Terry put it "since the days of the Weimar Republic"), and he consistently raised the bar of nonsensical behaviour and sailed over it time and time again. I like Germany in Eurovision. It's fun.

Gina G


Because of the fact that UK agents get together every year around January, and ensure that the majority of local acts will not be available for Eurovision, the powers that be have a habit of looking abroad for Eurovision prospects. So it came to pass that Australian Gina G (Gardener) scored one of the few Eurovision UK chart successes (there are 4 others) when her erudite "Ooh...Aah, Just a little bit" went to Number 1 in 1996. It didn't win Eurovision though, even with the shortest skirt in ESC history.
Still plying her trade after being stuck on a bus in "Reborn in the USA", she's since tried another comeback and a single release. All to no avail. Still, God loves a tryer.

Glennis Grace

It's hard to criticise this frizzy haired, gung-ho, large nippled, prima donna, as she belts out her track with great gusto, almost as if it's her last chance of semi-fame. "My Impossible Dream" laid claim to the Dion award 2005, for the most derivative drivel in ballard styley. A standard mix of song with a worthy message of redemption and renewal, although the only thing it makes me renew is my store of toilet paper, as I invariably disappear for a tommy tit as soon as it comes on.

Global Kryner


Karawanken melody, jazz, oberkrainer & pop...not one of the fusion sounds that's at the top of one's shopping list, but it works wonderfully, trust me. The players actually play instruments well, the singer is good to look at...pure ESC joy. There's more Brass on display here than in the Brass Doorknocker Museum in Knock, Ireland. A trombonist who also does the dosey-doe and yodels too...the man has a talent. A singer in a Heidi get-up, but with lipstick. Singing about a Spanish lad ("who can dance and sing...and more"), in some Spanish.Truly Austria is a welcoming place after all! It crashed and burned in the semi-final, and directly as a result, Austria pulled out of the competiton. An all round crying shame.


Named after Grace Kelly, 22 year old Gracia seems to have got lucky when "sparks flew" with her manager, and a successful "working relationship" was born. Oh aye? Dirty old man! As is increasingly apparent with the other "big four", the security of not having to qualify for the final is breeding a certain complacency. You don't really expect it from Germany, but this really had no chance of winning. It came in last. She wore tight leather, and purveyed soft rock badly. Rubbish, and a blot on a proud nation.



One of the nations who needed an Eurosong victory to reaffirm their commitment to the contest, Greece have had a topsy-turvy history. It took them longer than many others to stop relying on the olive oiled chanteuse each year, and have recently been diverging their approach to embrace less wholesome singers clad in rubber, leather, and tight strapping. And so it came to pass that a olive oiled chanteuse won the thing in 2005, showing again that with big hair and short skirt you're invariably onto a winner.

One of Carol Vorderman's many bad hair days.
The attendees of the Darth Vader convention had all forgotten one important item of costume.

Green Room

The Green Room or as Marie N likes to call it, the "Grun Rume", is a place of joy and despair. Thankfully for all of us there is more despair than joy. Watch in horror as Sertab interviews a bewildered Icelandic..laugh in surprise as Russian diva Alsou scowls brattily in the background...applaud as a Latvian loon cracks amusing gags and gets paid well for it.



Phil Mitchell and the other two are Greenjoilly (or wooden sledge in the Hutsul dialect). After Turkey's Athena in 2004, the holders again went for middle-aged lager swilling rabble rousers to sell their country. If the UK ever won again the choice would be immense. Anyway when all said and done there's enough voting cultural politics in Eurosong as it is, without these clowns forcing it on us. I've no doubt it will mean a lot to the nationals, and it's good in a way that they can use the hosting of the event as a way to celebrate recent events, but let's not lose sight of what its all about, eh lads?

Group Safir

Nil pointers, but bright and cheesy.

Guildo Horn


One of my very favourite Eurovision performances of all time, in 1998 German Guildo enjoyed an impromptu banister hurdling routine that almost curtailed his fathering prospects. Dressed in shiny cape and trousers, larger-than-life Mr Horn attempted an optimistic jump in front of millions, and heroically managed to right himself at the last minute after it looked like he would be carried off in traction, swathed in his green plastic tent. He ended the performance by provocatively lying on a balcony from high. Pure joy.


On paper, Gulseren is a broadcaster's wet dream for Eurovision. A long haired lass with an ethnic song...and...wait for it.. a strong ability with a range of drums... big drums amongst them. And she's dressed remarkably like the goddess of Eurosong, Ruslana. Unfortunately the song itself just wasn't memorable. There's not a key change in sight and the repetition factor was high. It was old-fashioned, and too watery to pull in the ethnic vote. It failed.