Jacqueline Boyer

Ms Boyer sang about her imaginary lover "Tom Pillibi" in 1960 and won. Our hero Tom was your typical 1960's wealthy playboy (two castles, ships, other women wanting to be with him), and although Jackie realised that his one big fault was being "such a liar", she really didn't care, and njust loved that big hunk of a man. One of the first of many songs where women were happy in their lot of being a metaphorical doormat.

Jean Claude Pascal

I don't really know why I've bunged this Francovile dirge into my special A-Z. Mr Pascal raised the blood pressures of a handful of Luxembourgian maidens in 1961 and walked off with the crown. Thank heaven for progress. He returned in 1981, with a face like a tan slipper and was walked all over into 11th by Bucks Fizz.


My comments in 2003, pre-contest were... "Our effort this year has had a right royal panning from all corners of the world. The general consensus is that the UK is not taking the competition seriously enough. I mean, please. What are they on? It’s not going to finish bottom, although Blair has done a smashing job of hampering the Scousers chances of succeeding (and that sentence applies in general macroeconomic terms too). We’ve never finished lower than in position 16, and everyone thinks this is the year to set a new record. Sometimes I think these so-called Eurovision fans can stick their 'one Europe' up their arse." So, as it turns out, those "so-called Eurovision fans" were spot-on. Jemini put in arguably the worst ever singing ever on the contest....since 2002. Their notoriety is secure. I apologise to all.

Jennifer Serrano

In these days of reality show pop wannabes, the phrase "plucked from obscurity" has been as overused as the bottle of viagra at Hefner's house. But when you consider a waitress, killing time up a mountain, entering a competition with 40-odd other nobodies, and then suddenly being thrust into the pan-european searchlight of pop stardom, then you have a new definition of "plucked from obscurity". And you just knew she was more able to hold plates than she was notes. Ms Serrano attempted a novel Mae West routine, which was clearly doomed. Another Andorran shame, considering the huge array of lingerie on display during her abject performance. Mind you, finishing last in the semi final is always something to treasure.

Jessica Garlick

I proudly worked on the Baton Relay at the Commonwealth Games in Manchester 2002 (which for non-Brits is a wonderful sporting and cultural occurence every four years, and allows rich ex-pats from the Caribbean to have a holiday in a big city for a change). In her own small way Ms Garlick helped the Relay, and for that I have much respect for her. Her unfortunate name aside (Welsh, you see), Jessica's chances looked quite good until the draw was made. "Come back" was a strong song but she was drawn to sing in slot number 2, which destroyed her chances. Hindsight is easy of course, but it's increrasingly clear that 2002 encompassed the a long since gone halycon days of UK eurovision, finishing as we did in 4th. (Oh, and Jessica also won "Star for a Night" talent show, which I'm sure you'll agree was a fantastic achievement).

Johnny Logan

What's Another Year to a Eurovision old-timer? Mr Logan invariably causes this half-empty pint pot attitude in me. 26 years ago Mr Logan started out on his tedious journey to become "Mister Eurovision" by winning with a saxophone spattered dirge. His curtain fringe became more apparent in 1987, when he pleaded with middle class Western girls to "Hold me now" again to frankly implausible success. As if that wasn't enough, he concreted his status as the worst male offender of ballad crimes in the dark days of Eurovision by writing "Why Me" to success in 1992. As you may be able to tell, I'm not entranced by self-proclaimed star of Irish club singing.

Jonatan Cerrada

Stay cool indeed. France normally manage to raise a strong reaction from me. But this didn't. It wasn't that terrible, but it almost finished bottom. Jonatan is a young Belgian lad, who seems to break into a woman's hotel room while she's sleeping in the video, and sings slightly off-key on her bed. Another leatherette sweat band on show, which was the accoutrement of choice in 2004.
Try to enter the mind of the French delegation if you will, who thought that a woman on stilts, a blown-up plastic earth, and an adolescent with an ill fitting adult-sized white suit would be a good idea for a love song. The henna tattoo was particularly disturbing too. And a mention too for the bunch of Louis XVI backing singers. Nutters.


White crumpled suit....1 point....Good looking singer (by common consent)...1 point...The song....Nil points. This was dull. Unfortunately with all the will in the world, Jonsi failed to continue all the good work Birgitta put in the previous year. God loves a trier though and, Jonsi was one of them. But it wasn't all sorrowful news for the muscleman. Upon his return to Iceland, he not only went back to being one of the biggest homegrown pop stars, but also starred in Grease with the aforementioned marvel that is Ms Haukdal. Jammy get.

Jostein Hasselgard

Norway are relatively apathetic to the ESC (a trait not shared over their one border in Sweden), but have still won it twice. 2003 saw a piano toting Beck-like leprechaun, who performed a half decent ballad. The people in the know (i.e. the people who spend far too much time on the ESC websites) didn’t really rate it, but I disagreed (I’m obviously not one of those people…obviously). Even with the handicap of the piano and a goatee, he finished fourth, and his massive 5'2" frame even found time to dwarf Sertab, when he embraced the winner at the end.One of the losing songs in Norway's 2003 pre-selection was “Han kom som ein vind (He came like a wind)” by Åse Karin Hjelen. That's what it's all about.

Julia Savicheva

Russian Julia used to be a band called "Agatha Christie", and at one point there may have been a chance of her winning. But she decided to climb all over four body-dyed walloppers "And then there were none". Especially when the red fella clearly hadn't dried properly, which resulted in Julia performing most of the song with what looked like a second degree burn on her forearm. All very distracting.  
Could she throw a "cat among the pigeons"? There's every chance she'll be the "third girl" up on the night, but being drawn after Belgium, could mean that Xandee will be her "nemesis"? (enough with the Christie-ims.) As always all the historically oppressed smaller neighbours lavished small amounts of votes to Russia in 2004, unjustly qualifying the Old Soviet Bear for the next year's final.

Julio Iglesias

Sex super stud star Julio entered the ESC with a song about a kitchen surface detergent. "Gwendolyne" was up against the might Dana (of Oireland) and Mary Hopkin, so he didn't stand a chance. By all accounts he doesn't rate his Eurosong experience as one of the proudest moments of his gorgonzola tainted career. It has been rumoured that his father's failure has affected Enrique to such an extent, he constantly sends poisoned Tortillas to the Irish section of the European Parliament. His son was also closely linked with hosting the event, but security were so worried of reprisals from the be-moled man of pop, that they went for the marvel that was Korhan Abey instead.

Julie & Ludwig

Before the contest I thought Ludwig "why were rats created?" would be getting the award for cheesy performance this year, but it was in fact Julie "I want to meet the Pope in space" who had the toe-curling Dion factor.  "Memories of Rene & Renata" said Terry, proof if proof were needed that Mr Wogan was on class A drugs. Scary smirking dwarf Ludwig looked petrified as he warbled in the face of a pink-swathed dominatrix. Rather horrifyingly this got through the semi-final, and it was said that their voices combined to break the glasses of sherry being held by James Fox and his Fame Academy pals backstage.