Hello & welcome to a celebration of the finest pan--European annual musical jamboree known to man, the Eurovision Song Contest. And so again to Kiev, land of wheat and war. 2016 was a bit of a turn-up for the books. Whilst Jamala of Ukraine did have momentum behind her during the immediate build-up to the contest, few actually thought it would metaphorically "wrestle back the Crimea" from the all powerful Russia. But the saga didn't just end there, oh no. 2017 sees the Crimea angle become even more inextricably linked with the EBU, with the Russian wheelchaired entrant being refused entry to this year's contest by the hosts. Weak diplomacy failed to make any headway on the no-fly zone, and so this year is down to 42 entries. A yawning Eastern gap exists, with a host of votes that would've gone to the great Russian Bear now to be shared out. The song was garbage so no loss there, but it provides another Final spot and it will give some of the subservient Ex-Soviet neighbours a bit of a boost into the bargain. This year is covered off in all its weakly researched, low-rent opinion by clicking here (or indeed by clicking on the 2017 logo above).

Also in an attempt not to let my paltry labours of the last 14 years go to waste, below are over a decade of mildly derogatory musings that have no place in a progressive society.

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