Las Ketchup

Welcome once more to the Latino Eurosong sound of Spain. A sound which very occasionally throws up a pearl, but more often throws a plate of empty oysters, "Bloody Mary" is more a dish of rotten paella, which likens love to duty free. All very peculiar, especially in these days of European integration. As for the group, they don't seem too bothered by it all. Put politely, they dress casually, have a laid-back approach to the performing arts, and have occasionally been known to smile. Put honestly they look like they've been dragged through a hedge backwards, shuffle around stage like John Merrick, and have a look on their faces like the cat has micturated in their kettle. 21st place, and well deserved.


Latvia's embryonic Eurovision history has gone from the sublime to the ridiculous already (well, when I say sublime, its with my tongue firmly in cheek). Choreography and trouser ripping won it for them in 2002, the first appearance arguably should have won on merit, and the other tries have been utter shite, particularly 2003 which has since made it into the Guinness Book of Records as the most flagrant use of metaphorical cheese in a musical performance. "Aye aye aye".

Laura Voutilainen

Laura looked like a psychotic Jamie Lee Curtis, who just happened to also voice a character in Disney’s Hercules. Not at all like a Eastenders chip shop worker. "Addicted to You" was a bit of a departure for Finland, being both slightly tuneful and in English. It didn't stop it from being relegated, so the last we saw of Laura was her being dragged away screaming from the Green Room with orchestra's blood splattered on her powder-blue blouson. A somewhat unnerving ditty. Disco fever breaks out, and my lord you won’t be able to get it back in its cage.  Like many other Euro-artistes, at the age of five, Laura was accepted to the “music kindergarten”. Crazy!


Skamp were superb, Aivaras was woeful but likeable for all the same, Aiste was a bit dull, LT United were abject yet somehow successful. That's Lithuania, a nation who now have no excuse come voting time, bordered as she is by Belarus, Latvia, Poland, and Russia. And don't forget near neighbours, Ukraine, Finland, and Estonia. Their time to do something decent must be soon, although the excuses for annual unsophisticated pop warblings are fast running out.

Lena Phillipsson

Lena tried to win the Swedish Melodifestival since the day Abba sacrificially burnt their collection of hotpants in 1982 and caused an ecological disaster in Ystad. But in a career with more image changes than Doctor Who, sadly 2004 wasn't to be her most triumphant year. She suggested things with a microphone stand that got a boy thinking, and if she’s not careful the length of her dress may give a paparazzi the chance to shout “I’ve got her burger” during the song. To which a Swede would reply “No, she’s from Stockholm”. She was fascinated by Sweet, was the fifth ranked Swedish table tennis player, and took a structural engineering course. All in a days work for a brassy tart who finished fifth, and was also voted the nation's sexiest woman. All in all a perfect example of a Eurosong representative.

Lenny Kuhr

The troubadour, she split the pot four ways in 1969, but should have won the lot (at least have got Lulu's bit). Lenny powered her way through a rousing folky ballard in what was a canon of it's Euro-time. "La lala la, lala, lei la la, lei la la, la la la lei lei lei la".

Lior Narkis

"Many Words For Love" had a really authentic Mid-Eastern pop feel to it, and well done to Lior for that. Unfortunately, in the UK, I'm pretty sure that all Middle-Eastern pop is looked upon as complete turd, a rule which also applied here. Before the contest, Lior would have been happy with a top five finish. Which to my mind is a microcosm of the type of misguided, stubborn inability to see the bigger picture afflicting Israel. Either that, or Lior was a certified nutter.
But for all it's incredible shortcomings, the performance itself was a gem. And that wasn't down to the blatantly whorish dancing girls in school uniforms, nor the overall feeling of Gangster & his molls. No, it was the undiluted tongue-in-cheek joy of it all, something which you wouldn't necessarily expect from Israel. Top stuff.

Linda Martin

Poodle perm Linda won in 1992 with "Why Me". Quite an understandable comment. I shared the general consensus of many by asking myself why...why I had to listen to this interminable crud, written by Logan. Dark days.

Linda Wagenmakers

Linda and her casual wet weather clothing appeared in 2000. She might have caused a bit of a fuss at the Rotterdam bus stop during a rainstorm though. The only notable thing about this song was the mackintosh, and once it was removed after 3 seconds, it was all downhill to 13th. Not in any sense "No Goodbyes". See you Linda.


"This is just my song - and besides, it's my life's motto...!" (Lou 2003 before singing "Let's Get Happy")
“See that girl with the high heel shoes?” I do, it’s German, ginger, pub-singer Lou.Appalling vocal qualities, appalling musical arrangement, but quite simply the finest Euro-song since…Greensleeves by HenryVIII. It had that priceless & typical undercurrent of Germanic violence mixed with trademark Siegel cheesiness, which made it required syllabus material for homosexuals everywhere. She only made it to mid-table which was such a shame for Lou and her big trans-continental pub singing plans.

Louise Baileche

”This light song deals with sky and ocean. An ocean kept by a piano, a voice full of motivation and sublimated by oriental drums and violins. Without any oriental meaning, this duo is not a cultural alibi but an emotional one”, French television says. Ignoring that pile of typically steaming French pretentious turd, the real reasons Louise bombed in 2003 were 4-fold. 1) she's French, 2) she was barefoot, 3) she made a fatal error of swinging her head in the first minute of the performance, and from there on in found her face shrouded in her hair, 4) she's French, and French songs don't do well anymore.
I actually liked it, but the fact of the matter was that she represented France, and was French.


In 2006, Finland, the perennial underachievers of Eurosong, finally came in from the cold. Although their no holds barred style always entertains, no-one was prepared for the unearthening of these from the Northern tundra. I don't know what they feed them in Lapland, but Lordi sure weren't santa's elves. Lordi were a motley collection of grotesques, who played a cracking piece of trivial noise, and what with the novelty factor of orcs, a solid rock tune, and lots of pre-publicity, Lordi swept all before them. Finland gave the Eurovision a new form of Eurosong music, the best video of the year (cheerleaders being knocked off their feet by a 7ft disease-ridden ogre (1 foot of platforms), controversy, and the required healthy dollop of tongue-in-cheek enjoyment. Lordi, I shall again be able to salute you in Helsinki 2007.

LT United

LT United appeared to be a motley collection of travelling salesmen and accountants, but I'm reliably informed were in fact popular Lithuanian entertainers. One of these jokers was actually a member of "Skamp", the only previous decent Lithuanian entry. He clearly didn't have much input here. The base Batlic nation have truly cemented their position of ultimate Euro embarrassments, with noise so abject that I defy you not be wincing within the first 30 seconds. Tears will well up in your eyes, toes shall curl, and exit routes will be eyed up. Watch out for the skinhead freaky dancer in the power suit. So guess what...yes..it finished sixth. Staggering.


Lulu today is similar to Cilla Black... a national institution, but no-one knows really why. This is compounded by the fact she's not afraid to embarrass & demean herself whenever she's on TV. Her 2nd place Eurovision effort 35 years ago set the stall out for a career of shouting. One of the real low points of UK Eurovision in my humble opinion.

Luiz Ejlli

Barring a bit of interplay between the fat ethnic chef blowing into a whales testicle, and Luiz's uncles doing that Orthodox style, arms around each others shoulders stepping from side-to-side thing, there was little performace wow factor to be seen. In their brief Eurosong history, Albania have refused to rely on bang-crash dance routines, and this is no exception. I wasn't convinced that four ruddy-faced blokes in national dress miming "happy happy happy" will be enough to send the voting hundreds into a lather. And I was right, as little Albania came in 14th at the semi-final.

Lynn Chricop

She seems like such a nice woman, so it was all the harder to hear about her less than friendly reception when she got back to Valletta. As a children's TV presenter in her homeland of Malta, it would be reasonable to expect Lynn to annunciate clearly. But unfortunately she flounced around the stage in 2003, sounding like a good dose of Vicks vapour rub was required. She had more nasal twang than an ant-eater, hence the 25th place, but must have thanked God for Scousers.



Live Report

High hipped Ray Caruana crooned through "Why Do I Always Get It Wrong" into second place in 1989. It was awful, but so was the time. Nuff said.