Maja Tatic

"Fairytales about Love" was like the poisoned apple in Snow White. A shocker, along the lines of Tina Turner, and the writing was on the wall when I found out she spent the previous 8 years touring around the Canary Islands, entertaining scores of people with renditions of Celine Dion and Tina Turner songs. The song actually dealt "with the feelings of a woman who has taken part in a one-night stand". Hungover, then.


Aah, Malta. If Eurovision countries were toys, then Malta would be a big cuddly teddy bear (Germany would be Garbage Pail Kids, Sweden would be Barbie, Spain would be Ken).
The little jewel of Eurovision, who for over 10 years now have been sending cuddly, quasi-religious little ditties, almost universally to some success. Three times, three women have come in the top three, which for an island with no railways is pleasing for Maltesers. Thousands of people welcomed Ira back home after her second place in 2002, proof if proof were required just how powerful a inconsequential three minutes of sound can be. Nobody could begrudge Malta a win. Aah.

Malene W Mortensen

Clearly Mahlene is an Aussie Rules fan. Or it might the length of her lover. Also it is clear that Denmark have moved away from the swing your pants, fun filled efforts of yesteryear, and instead plumped for a "Heart" like effort with heavy drum beat and extra emotional impact. It wasn't one on my shortlist, which was well chosen as it came in last in 2002. The end of the video has her about to smash her lovers head in with a heavy utensil…so it seems as though he has been using his length away from home.

Manuel Ortega

"22 year old Manuel is very popular in Austria", so that'll make him a Nazi then. No offence meant. He did however, like all the Teutonic nations in 2002, sing in the Queen's English, which by 2002 was common practice in the Eurosong. The chorus was one of those with the same line repeated over and over again, but overall it's wasn't that bad (all comparative you understand). Manuel may well "be there" in the top half, but quite frankly I don't care.

Mariana Popova

"Let Me Cry" started out like a classic ambient John Carpenter soundtrack, then leapt into a brief Clannad like refrain. The first verse showed great promise, very tuneful.....then she started shouting and didn't stop. And my god, can she shout. She woke me up three hours after the song had finished playing. Oh, and the wailing. Christ, the wailing. She ruins more notes than fire at the Royal Mint. Mariana wasn't assisted by the all-conquering Italian-born cross-dressing entertainer Azis, who slobbed at the back of the stage like a rutting rhino. All the same Bulgaria have bounced back from a probably terminal Eurosong experience, to a possibly terminal 17th place Eurosong experience.

Mihai Traistariu

"Like when wuuz together" & "Feeling your touch on my fayce". And this was the second favourite? There's high comedy value on show from the off, what with his amusing mis-pronunciations, Julie&Ludwig style falsetto whimper, and the manner in which it has got gay men damp across Europe. This is a tragic Euro dance track, and why & how & when someone decided it deserved odds of 6-1 is one of the great enigmas of our time. The video consists of effeminate Mihai clad in a white jumper being crammed in a dark corridor with a freak circus. I suppose we can expect Mihai pawing at oiled up strongman, whilst the snake lady, the fire-eater, and the Mr Marceau look on jealously in the background. It finished 4th. Such are the vagaries of Eurosong.

Marie Naumova

Bizarrely, this was a Latino record from the Lambada hotbeds of Riga. But it didn't sacrifice it's Europap roots with lines like "all that rules your crazy crazy way". Our Marie speaks 5 languages and has hobbies, which include psychology, yoga, and yes, the old Eurosong standard of table tennis. She has also supported Joe Cocker in Latvia…he twisted his ankle at ping pong. Yeah. No-one was prepared for the performance of trouser & skirt discarding nonsense that took Maria to the win in 2002. She wasn't particularly highly regarded before the contest, or indeed after the contest either. In fact, the classiest performance she ever made was the "grun rume" comment when co-hosting the following year. Classic stuff.


In what was a mercifully weak year for female warblers, Greece threw one of only two real Streisand shockers into the pot. It could have been a solid MOR hit in the early eighties. A big "big" star in her homeland, she's another who's putting her career on the line. Unfortunately she couldn't help showing off both her lack of high notes as well as lack of under wired bras. A song as meaty as a fillet of vegetarian souvlaki, and a singer with two tremendous marrows. Christ.


I do worry for Max though, for at only 22 years old, he seems to be losing his hair rather early on in life. It may be the weight of expectation that the nation's peoples on putting on his young shoulders. His sophorific song was a bit like a poor Paul Weller, after he went all "soulful" and "acoustic" (otherwise known as w#nk). The "do do do do's" will not help either. They just fill in for a lack of lyrics. Amazingly "can't wait until tonight" finished in 8th, the last good Teuton result.

Michael Ball

Nasty, nasty man, most recently seen wishing everyone luck and playing with bright balls on a Saturday night. He came second with "One Step Out of Time", hated the Eurosong experience, and even a hysterically foolish Teuton style 'finger pointing' routine can't remove a bitter taste which catches at the back of most UK eurofans throats whenever his frizzy perma-tanned name is mentioned.

Mickey Joe Harte

An intro of panpipes, a bit of bodhran, a tweely sentimental chorus performed by "the nice boy from next door", who carries your shopping and fishes with his father at weekend…and bombs Protestants during the week.
Yes, it's your typical Oirish entrant, and they went to Latvia to win.
This was a other shocking cheating scandal of this year, with the song being accused of being a spit of Denmark's winning entry in 2000…why they would want to copy that song is another matter.
Ireland bounced back after their year's sojourn from the competition, and managed a creditable 11th. The Irish weren't prepared for the endless spiral of failure that came next.

Mija Martina Barbaric

I don't know what it is about this one...it sounds like it's about a person who desperately needs to drop a dogs egg, but can't find any toilet paper. A bit frantic (but somehow like a 45rpm song which is being played at 33rpm), a bit aimless, but its songs like these that makes the whole process a real pleasure (including a lovely rock guitar solo halfway that's guaranteed to raise a smile). Let the unadulterated, Bosnia-Herzegovinansiansian, crazy fun commence. Mija comes up with the look all by herself (which is seemingly Eastenders' Sonia). Not such a hot choice, Mija. The Brits thought it was the worst song of the lot. I am a Brit, and I thought it was ace.

Mixalis Rakinztis

Mixalis is a rubber clad, gimp of a Greek man. He's very famous in his homeland, with 16 gold & platinum records. As his biography quoted "Michalis immediately rocketed to the top of the charts, acquiring thousands of loyal funs". Important to have fun, I always think. As to the song, it was another shockingly tame 80's effort, which would have been binned by Gary Numan at a time when he was looking through them himself.

Milk & Honey

"The song is a slow-building ballad, with the group praising God for the world and all the good things in it." You get the picture, the type of "Kum By Ya" camp-fire shocker, which makes you wake up in cold sweats at the thought of hearing in the wilderness. It won in 1979, the singers coming onto stage one at a time, but why they bothered is a moot point. When together they consisted of a type of fanatical barber shop quartet, and the beige background sutied the performance beautifully. It is looked upon fondly however, and was used again at the contest '99 to signify the end of the Balkan conflict. Hmm. Oh, and even though they won it, Israel didn't even take part the following year. Harumph.


One win, good results in other years, but Monaco left in 1979, and now the over-rich, under-developed principality have deigned to re-join the Eurovision fold. It's difficult to like Monaco really, being as it is stuffed to the rafters with income tax escaping, over pampered old women, who've had more facelifts than the Ford Mondeo. It's even more difficult to appreciate their annual 1950's paean to Gallic ballards. And these particular views have finally been accepted by the Monacocoans themselves, as they pulled out of the contest.

Monica Anghel & Marcel Pavel

Romania love ballard, and as that just about sums it up, & I've run out of creative juices, I'll head off a sandwich.


One go at it in 1980 with "Bitakat Hob", an exciting biscuit related song, and they came in with a gargantuan 7 points , which from a dull statistical viewpoint, means they're the worst Euro-nation ever...and in Africa. Nuff said.

Mumiy Troll

Vladivostock was by far and away the most distant home-grown location that cultivated a Eurosong entrant, when in 2001 Mumiy Troll (no translation, probably just from The Moomins) risked damaging their not inconsiderable reputation with "Lady Alpine Blue". They were kind of rock Communist New Romantics (20 years behind everyone else, obviously), and they flounced on stage with shards of hair dangling over their face. It came in mid-table which was a far too generous reaction from us all. They're still going and amazingly are still popular in Sweden of all places.


Harp intro...La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La LaLa La.....a bit of horn..... a bit of clavichord....a bit of Spanish...La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La....a pause for breath...La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La...a bit more clavichord & Spanish....La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La. A winner in 1968, beating "Congratulations". I'm still not sure which song deserved it more.


2nd for the rather sultrily named Mocedades in 1973, and another ditty placed firmly in the canon of fine Eurosong efforts. An anthemic rouser of a track from the Spanish (of all people), and a definite high point in their nation's history. "Eres Tu" translated as "That's You, that is", managed a top ten in the US, and if you find that almost impossible to believe, what about this...an instrumental version was used by the Bank of New Zealand in an advertsing run during the 1990's. Spain haven't got this many points since, and to my educated ear at least, it was very much better than the Luxembourgian winner that year (see Anne Marie David).

Marie Myriam

"The bird and the child" (aka MILF), is another Eurosong corker from ages past. You'll probably recognise this one if you heard it, and Portugal born Mrs Myriam won for the French in 1977 with this classic power ballard. Unfortunately her success subsequently meant 30 years of not-so-good power ballards from France, most of them presided over by Marie, as she has read out her nations votes for the last decade or so. I can confirm Marie has never said Royaume Uni, which tarnishes my opinion of her quite frankly.

Mary Hopkin

Aah, Mary, Mary, not at all contrary. I'm sure her Welsh country garden grows very well indeed. A top-class end of the pier entertainer, Mary sang for the UK in 1970 with one of my all time faves "Knock Knock, Who's There". Any song which kicks off with a joke has to be a winner. But alas it wasn't to win, coming second to Dana (see Dana). It also reached no.2 in the UK charts, before she fell out of love with the whole mega stardom thing. The song was so good, during the dress rehearsal the stage collapsed. The song was so good in fact that I sing it in the shower...yes, a Eurosong song...and I'm not ashamed. In fact the song is so good, it was sung on the cracking BBC1 series "Blackpool". But the real joy of this song for me though (& it may indeed be my mind here) is that shiny blonde, pixie faced Mary seems to singing about pleasuring herself in bed. Fantastic. She latterly joined the band "Oasis" (but not that Oasis). One of a select group of Welshpeople I have a lot of time for. Mary Hopkin, I salute you.

Mouth &MacNeal

I've bunged these in just because he sums up the 1970's, the Netherlands, and the Netherlands in the 1970's. At one point during this memorable performance Mouth (who is the fifth Banana Split) plays a barrel organ with a toy dog on it & scratches the top of gurning MacNeal's head. Magic. It was the first time the Dutch has performed in English, and although it only finished third, it warmed everyone up for the all-conquering Dinge Dong the following year. Lest we forget.

Matt Monro

Family man 40 a day Matt was a bit of crooner par excellence in the UK way back when. He not only dipped into his Mayfairs (in more ways than one) on a daily basis, he also kindly represented the UK to second in 1964 with "I love the little things"...and the big things too if all the stories are true.