"...and I even landed a few modelling jobs for Kays catalogue and Clark's shoes, which really impressed my mates!"

The Spin

Natalie Powers
Born: July 26th, 1977 in Birmingham
Lives: In Buckingham with friends
Nicknames: Nat's Pee, Austin
Best 'Bit': Her well-toned six-pack
Fact:Natalie's dream date is Will Smith, although she would love to share a character breakfast at Disneyworld, Florida… With Pluto!
Fact: Her motto is 'Always be happy, because you only live once.' (not then, a Buddhist)

Everyone tells me I'm like a bottle of pop. I'm very bubbly, friendly and quite mad, I suppose! I've been like this ever since I was a kid. I started singing and dancing since I was seven and appeared in the national tour of Annie, playing the youngest orphan. I didn't go to drama school or anything, but was so into performing that I moved from Sutton Coldfield to the Arts Educational School in Chiswick. Since then I've had all kinds of jobs - some of them a million miles away from the stage! I lasted at McDonalds for about four weeks, did a stint as a receptionist in a hair salon and even worked as a model for an art class for a while. (And no, I wasn't nude!). But it was starring on the West End stage in Tommy (understudying Kim Wilde) and in Starlight Express that I was really in my element.

David John Louis Ducasse (pronounced "Duck Ass")
Born: November 3rd, 1978 in South Shields
Lives: In Surrey with Russ
Nicknames: Mr D, Dididoodi
Best Bit: His feet
Fact: David's great, great, great, great grandfather invented the first lifeboat
Fact: He's well into playing bingo and his dream would be to team up with fellow bingo addict Jo S Club and star in a bingo ad!

O.K, so I can be moody and keep myself to myself at times, and completely lairy minutes later, but that's because I'm a true Scorpio, which also means I'm very honest, trustworthy, opinionated and good for a laugh. I didn't go to drama school like the others. I did go to drama classes on Saturday mornings and then managed to land myself a role as one of the regular extras in three series of Byker Grove, which was brilliant. In one episode, we were all supposed to be doing the Great North Run, so they made me dress up in a Ninja Turtle outfit which looked sooo ridiculous! I've had a few jobs since then. Besides dressing up as Walkers Man and handing out packets of Walkers crisps in shopping centres, I've also been in two bands and worked as part of the Butlin's in house entertainment team, the Crazy Crew, in Ayr for three summers. I had the time of my life!

Caroline Emily Barnes
Born: April 15th, 1979 in Leeds
Lives: In Purley with a girlfriend
Nicknames: Ronseal, Peter Purves, Jonathon (all from Russ!)
Fact: Caroline once ran straight through a closed patio door. As embarrassing moments go, that ain't bad!

When people meet me for the first time, they never know how to make me out because I don't give too much away.. My family lived in Leeds until I was nine, which is when we all moved to Spain. Living on the Costa Del Sol was great and I'd go to this little ballet school at weekends. When I was 13 my mum brought me back to the UK, to Devon, where I went to dance school full-time, I met Russ when I started at Lane Theatre Arts College and we instantly hit it off. While at college I started doing bits of modelling, including starring in an advert for Calvin Klein underwear for the USA.

Russell Spencer
Born: March 1st, 1980 in Bournemouth
Born: In Surrey with David
Best Bit: His nose
Fact: If Russ ever met his idol George Michael, he'd ask for his autograph… for his mum!
Fact: Russ is way into Britney Spears and Donna Air, but olives, anchovies and, erm; rats don't float his boat at all!

It's true, I'm always smiling and happy - and I couldn't be happier than I am now, being part of SCOOCH. As a kid I was always very shy, so my mum sent me to drama classes to build my confidence. Before long, the headmistress had me singing in all the school shows and I even landed a few modelling jobs for Kays catalogue and Clark's shoes, which really impressed my mates! I guess I've always wanted to entertain, even since I appeared on Brian Conley's TV talent show. My mum's still got it on video and it's hysterical! I was a real showbiz kid and earned myself a bit of pocket money singing at weddings and the like. Being in SCOOCH gives me a real buzz. My dream is to get on the road and perform in front of hundreds of screaming girls.

The Singers
The pop (as in "popular") four piece Scooch won through a fantastically gritty MYMU (as in "making your mind up") against the biggest name national competition since the ASBO youths Paul Shane and Joe Longthorne went head to head in 1959. Upon losing, Justin Hawkins screeched that everyone is a racist, Liz McLarnon (of Atomic Kitten) said that going first meant she was neverd going to win (although the song didn't help either love), brainy Brian Harvey's overripened pomegranate of a face was never going through, and the real song of the night ffrom Big Brovaz was inexplicably ignored by the "racist" British public. Only a super French woman singing Loch Lomond came close to unseating the travesty of "Flying the Flag". Amidst tabloid front page headlines of off-stage backing singers (sadly entirely legal in Eurosong), MYMU got much press attention, mostly I fear because no-one could quite believe that this bag of Navel oranges would be representing their nation.

Worth particular mention is David, appearing in Aladdin in Hartleppol, is the man who won the honour of enunciating the "would you like something to suck on for landing, sir?" line, followed as it is by the gayest pursing of the lips and wink since Michael was asked if he knew anything about Armitage Shanks urinals. He is co-habiting with Russ, the big blond about town, the type of guy who can't help popping into any pub he's passing for a pint of frothy top. Finishing off the group (and my, I hope someone will) are two ladies of varying shades of pumpkin. The more rusty colour spray on goes to Natalie, who also hasn't got quite enough money together to live on her own, whereas Caroline ironically given her nickname of "Ronseal" is more of a fake gamboge hue, and is expecting a child.


The Past
At least fan's favourite Nikki French loves Jemini. Before 2003, Ms French had the dubious pleasure of being the lowest place finisher in UK Eurosong finisher. The Scouse changed all that. But let us not dwell on those three minutes on car crash TV of the highest order, there have been other examples too. Samantha Janus, Rikki, and Co Co all spring disturbingly to mind. But for every Black Lace there's been an Imaani or a Buck's Fizz. With 5 wins, and 15 second place finishes the UK is a proud land for Eurosong fans. Brits with chips on their shoulders inevitably say that it will difficult for the UK to ever win again due to the number of countries in the contest, but they aren't fans...they're killjoy members of the UKIP party.

The Song

The full title of this rancid toss of a track is "Flying the Flag" (for you). There are sound minded people out there who take offence at the bravado of these muppets who feel they are representing my interests abroad. Their song, apart from being derivative, amateur, contrived, desperate and unworthy, is also unconvincing. Dressed in airline steward costumes (just like Slovenia's Sestre not 5 years previous..and they were drag queens), they prance around the stage in no particular pattern with semaphore sticks, food trollies and a glazed expression on their face that must be held still less their terracotta face plastering shatter to the floor. Utterly without merit, and I've already emailed Jemini's contact details, as Scudge will be needing them.


I can only hope that the BBC wake up and don't give the public the opportunity to vote shite like this into the contest. Scooch fully deserve to finish bottom, and I sincerely hope they do. Sadly packing away my UK flag, I must lean on another countries goodwill for 2007. Their vocal abilities have already been proved wanting, their performance is unoriginal and uninspiring, and familiarity has bred contempt. Verka of the Ukraine is on directly before the UK, and so Scudge will have their jaffa juices of confidence drained out of them from the wings as a proper performer shows how to do tongue-in-cheek. David will be remembered however, even though his hero ,Mr John Inman, will be turning in his L-shaped coffin.

In a Nutshell
"Putting the popshot back into Eurovision"

the philosopher says

paradox An absurd truth. Hence, the derivation of an unacceptable conclusion from apparently unquestionable premises by an apparently valid inference. Resolution of a paradox requires that we abandon at least one of the premises, refute the process of inference, or somehow learn to live with the unpalatable result. Zeno used paradoxes to demonstrate the impossibility of motion. For example, as an Eurosng fan I have had to live with the absurd truth duie to overwhelming peer suggestion that Scooch actually have a chance of a top ten finish. I have therefore had to abandon the valid inference that their song is f#cking tripe, and get used to the very unpalatable result of the UK thinking that Scooch has been a good representative for their nation.

Flying the Flag

This is your captain speaking
I'd like to welcome you aboard this Eurovision flight
The duration will be three minutes exactly
Now sit back, relax and enjoy the flight

Babada babada... badada babada...
Babada babada... (Duty free, madam?)
Yeah yeah yeah yeah...
Babada babada... badada babada...
Babada babada...

We're flying the flag all over the world
Flying the flag for you

London to Berlin
All the way from Paris to Tallinn
Helsinki on to Prague
Don't matter where we are
Yeah yeah yeah...

Flying high in Amsterdam
Why don't you catch us if you can?
Now we're cruising in the sky
And we're singing it for you

Babada babada... badada babada...
Babada babada... (Some salted nuts, sir?)
Yeah yeah yeah yeah...
Babada babada... badada babada...
Babada babada...

We're flying the flag all over the world
Flying the flag for you (Would you like a complimentary drink with your meal, sir?)
We're flying the flag all over the world
Flying the flag for you

Ladies and gentlemen, your exits are here, here and here
To fasten your seatbelt insert the fitting
To use the life vest, slip it over your head
Pull firmly on the red cord and blow into the mouthpiece

Babada babada... badada babada...
Babada babada... (We wish you a very pleasurable journey)
Yeah yeah yeah yeah...
Babada babada... badada babada...
Babada babada...

We're flying the flag all over the world
Flying the flag for you

We're flying the flag (Yes, we're flying)
All over the world (Take you all around the world)
Flying the flag for you (Would you like something to suck on for landing, sir?)
We're flying the flag (Yes, we're flying)
All over the world (Take you all around the world)
Flying the flag for you

We'd like to thank you for flying with us today

Is he John Inman who services men in a fictional department store world
or is he David of Scooch who services men in passenger class.
Prediction Semi Final -
Final 24th and last
Over-enthuastic deluded balls of the year from Scooch..."This whole experience is amazing. Winning the British vote was fantastic and now we are releasing the single throughout Europe and preparing to go to Finland so we are just having a great, and very busy, time. 'Flying The Flag' definitely ticks all the boxes as far as a Eurovision Song Contest entry is concerned; it has a catchy tune, memorable lyrics, there is something for adults and children and the performance has a brilliant dance routine. We will definitely be flying the flag high for Britain in Finland."